At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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