If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
