We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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