he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
