I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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