I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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