By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
