This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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