Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
