Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
