Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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