Buhtt sex?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
