So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
