I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
