my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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