Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
