Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
