omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I skipped work to stalk him.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
