She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
