I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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