I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
