One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's never too late to be topless.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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