just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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