Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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