my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My vagina just clenched in fear
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
