I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Found the puke drawer
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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