Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
