I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
