I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
