Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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