She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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