She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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