If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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