When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
