so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
