Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Randomize
