3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
