I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
