I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
