It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
