I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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