How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
