I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
