hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
