I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
