you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
