At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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