we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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