he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
