I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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