I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
