sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
