I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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