what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
